STRONGERTODAYTHANYESTERDAY
navigating YOUR way back to YOU……
Trauma is………An emotional, mental, visual, physiological, or physical result of a terrible event. It could be from a fire, any type of accident, war, rape, shooting, and yes even bullying, as well as verbal abuse. It could be one of these, or more.
The American Journal of Emergency Medicine said that domestic violence cases have increased by 25 to 33 percent globally. The National Commission on COVID-19 and criminal justice shows an increase in the U.S. by a little over 8 percent, following the imposition of lockdown orders during 2020.
Physical trauma is easy to spot. Broken bones, bruises. cuts, scrapes and scratches are the telltale signs.
But, what about the other kinds of Trauma?
I mean, we read about it and hear about it on the news, right? It’s something that happens to other people, right? I mean, if it were a family member, friend or loved one I’d know about it, right? I am here with you today to say no to all of the above…….
Some types of Non Physical Trauma….
Covert Narcissistic Abuse and Coercive Control cause anxiety, depression, despair, painful debilitating insecurity, and PTSD. They are brought brought on by someone you know, love, and trust. There is nothing wrong with you so please relax, and take a deep breath.
What is Covert Narcissistic Abuse?
Covert Narcissistic Abuse is a slow acting but consistent change in a pattern of behavior which ultimately leads to mental control, manipulation, and often complete surrender of another individual. The cycle is furthered by manipulation of “outsider perceptions” by an abuser which cause family and friends to doubt you and your mental stability. Because you aren’t aware of what is happening per se, all you experience is self doubt, anxiety, confusion, depression, and debilitating insecurity. The narcissistic abuser takes your dreams, plans, goals, thoughts, hopes, insecurities, feelings, emotions and other parts of you that you have shared with them and uses them against you.
I can say from experience it starts out as something very similar to being asked to do something besides what you have suggested. Because of the way you might have been raised, you probably were taught that you can’t always have your own way! You acquiesce because you are polite, and probably don’t want to be seen as somebody who has to have their way all the time. Once that pattern has been established, the abuser continues to press on slowly and steadily until control is complete. Once they control you, they start to manipulate your emotions. Because they have control, your emotions cause you to doubt yourself, and by slowly eroding and making that doubt deeper and deeper you ultimately find yourself turning to your abuser for emotional support, and putting yourself down. The other changes that are going on? Through creating the relationship with you, your abuser has become involved in your family and social life! You think the relationship is going well; they are truly someone you can see you spending the rest of your life with. You have fallen in love with who you believe they are. In the meantime, they are doing the same thing to your family and friends, by spinning a tale of “concern” for you. Because you have no idea of the abuse that has been started, you have no idea of the changes that are taking place behind your back. However, enough is happening to make some of your abuser’s “accusations and concerns” seem plausible. Does that make sense?
The reason you were targeted is most likely because you possess qualities and strengths that your abuser does not have.
Some of these strengths are:
A strong physical presence..You stand out from them because of your character attributes. You are proud of yourself, and believe that building people up with honest compliments, and genuine offers of help are the best way to be content.
A caring attitude..You have the ability, capacity and understanding of what being a good person is about. Are you perfect? Heck NO!! That’s why you can give and receive compassion, forgiveness, and unconditional love. You also have the ability, and the need to receive honesty as well as give honesty in thoughts and actions. This doesn’t mean you are perfect, but it means you are aware and continue to practice.
A strong financial and moral ethic.. You know how to plan your finances, and how to get where you want to be. If something happens, (and of course it does, it’s called life!) you put together another plan to help build that bridge and get back on track. Can we all use a helping hand? Yes, of course…It’s not always about money…Time and resources are valuable as well.
What is Coercive Control?
Coercive Control is covert “hidden, or secret” manipulation specifically designed to devaluate you of self worth. Coercive Control is a method used by abusers to devalue your sense of self worth and block the ability to see yourself in a positive, strong, loving, caring, supportive, and bright light. As the chain of negative self worth increases, the self destruction continues, often through self deprecation, self assignation, and then total self hatred, and possibly attempted suicide. You begin to wonder how you ever got so stupid, or how you thought you ever could have been so smart… The last part of the cycle is completed when you take this hatred fed to you and internalize it…In other words, you are now doing the destruction yourself, relieving the Coercive Controller of the devaluation, and completely free to demonstrate how unstable you have become, and claim to not have known how or why. Your self destruction relieves them from any responsibility.
I can say from experience it takes a fair amount of time to realize what is happening…You still won’t admit it, even when it is staring you in the eye. Why? Because you are the worthless, useless and awful person. You are trying to deal with the rejection from your abuser and from the family and friends who no longer want to talk to you, the phone calls that say you are the problem, and you have the problem. The more you deny, the less you are heard. Why? Because the history and all the secret fears/insecurities and your hopes, dreams that you have shared with your abuser have become their agenda to lay out your destruction, and they claim no responsibility, rather they have everyone believing they have been trying to help you. Think back to the Covert Abuse phase…Remember me talking about not wanting to “upset the apple cart” so to speak? Here is the full circle result. Please think about what is going on in your life right now…
HAVE YOU?
- Been really, really honest with someone you trust?
- Shared those deep down thoughts, dreams, doubts, fears, and desires?
- Not spoken up when you either should have or would have in the past?
- Defended them when you know what was said about them might be true…probably is true?
- Heard them spin a flat out lie, something you personally know to be false, and not called them out on it, even if only in private?
- On some level, you felt a level of hate coming from your significant other you couldn’t explain?
DO YOU?
- Know on some level that things are not quite right, but you just can’t figure out the why?
- Know there have been some outrageous comments/statements made that you didn’t challenge?
- Find yourself defending them against family for some outrageous behavior, but do they do the same for you?
When they claim they “went to bat for you” did it sound more like a death knell than help and support?
If you can answer any of these questions with a YES, then without a doubt you are being, or have been Coercively Controlled